Creating Connection in Stressful Times
For most of us, what really makes our life worth living is the relationships that we have with others. Our friends, our families our partners and even our work colleagues. There is no doubt that COVID-19 has put a strain on our relationships because times of stress make it harder to devote the energy and time to relationships that we normally would. Even if, you are suddenly spending more time with loved ones, it doesn’t necessarily mean quantity equals quality. For most of us our energy is focussed on just getting through the day.
Strain over home-schooling, job insecurity, finances and the burden of being in close spaces without our usual self-care outlets, for many, has resulted in relationship strains with some parts of the world even reporting a surge in divorce rates. Relationship strain is not unique to the home, when we think about how this has effected work relationships it can be harder to have the micro moments of connection we get from popping our head into someone’s office or grabbing a quick coffee.
Luckily, there is plenty of research on the ways that we can give our relationships a boost, and relationships are like a bank account. A positive interaction or connection leads to a deposit and a negative interaction is like a withdrawal. If we make too many withdrawals we can easily get in the red, so it's important that we learn how to make deposits into our metaphorical bank accounts regularly.
So, here are some ways that we can invest in connecting with the people around us:
1. Build rituals of connection
It is so important to have routine ways in which you connect and check in with the people around you. In a romantic relationship you might decide to eat a meal together without phones and really be present. With your friends you might choose a time each week for a zoom call or to exercise together. With your work colleagues you might choose a time of the week where you routinely get a (virtual) coffee or make time to genuinely explore how your colleagues are going. It doesn’t matter what the activity is, it only matters that you build it into your routine and commit to spending quality time with that person.
2. Look at the way you communicate
In any relationship, the way that you communicate matters, especially when you are communicating to express a complaint or need. It is important that you choose appropriate times to express complaints and do it in a way that takes responsibility for your own emotion. “I feel” statements are the best way to accomplish this. Once you have expressed how the behaviour has made you feel, you can follow it up with an “...and I would like you to...” in order to discuss how this issue can be resolved. Using a soft start up is going to make it more likely that the other person won’t feel defensive. If the conversation isn’t going well, you may like to pause for a second, ask the other person how they are feeling and try to come back to what you were trying to achieve.
3. Turn towards
In relationships we make and receive bids for connection. These are small moments where you seek a positive response from a partner, friend or colleague like connection or affection or even just a laugh. This might look like your partner asking you how your day was, your friend sharing a joke or even your colleague letting out a big sigh. When there is a bid it can be responded to in three different ways, turning towards, turning away and turning against and research has shown that couples who last turn towards 86% of the time. Say your colleague has let out a big sigh, turning towards would be asking them what is wrong, turning away would be ignoring or missing the bid and turning against would be saying something like ‘you’re always complaining’. In a romantic relationship, your partner might ask if you want to go for a walk, turning towards would be saying ‘that sounds great’, turning away would be shrugging them off and turning against would be saying ‘why in the world would I want to walk right now, I’m too busy!’. While many of us wouldn’t turn against the people in our lives, it can be easy to miss or ignore bids for connection, when you start to pay attention to them you can begin to make sure that you turn towards, which will be a great boost to your relationship bank account.
Now that you know some easy ways to top up your relationships, which relationship will you start with first? How will you build rituals of connection and improve the way you communicate and interact with them? If this is something that you would like personalised help working on, get in contact to organise a one off or series of coaching sessions!
